By Eric Charles


It’s time to have a frank discussion about lying and deceit. I see a lot of fears floating around in the dating world and it can be disheartening.

In order to have a truly fulfilling relationship (or even start a healthy relationship) with a great guy, you need to come from a place of strength, confidence, and fulfillment.

Whenever a relationship goes sour (or fails to launch), it’s almost always caused by some tiny fear, doubt, worry or insecurity that grows and festers until you feel overwhelmed by the whole ordeal.

And what happens?  Your fears and worries compel you to confirm whether they’re real or imaginary.  You stop enjoying the relationship for what it is and start craving validation and confirmation that it’s “the real deal.”

And there’s only one thing that manifests from that place… neediness.

These days, people are quick to throw the concept of neediness around without actually looking at what it is. I’ve had some of my female readers complain that the term neediness makes it sound like I’m framing women as weak, fragile, insecure creatures that just cling to men (and stress them out).

Nothing could be further from the truth.  I think women bring a tremendous strength and power to the table in relationships… when they have access to it and are free of their own fears.

Men and women have fears. Those fears are greater now more than ever really since there’s an entire industry devoted to making sure men and women are wrought with insecurities so they buy products (sowing in and agitating tiny insecurities is the bread and butter of the marketing world).

A major fear is being lied to deceived which brings me to the main question of this article: Why do men lie?

Here are a few potential reasons:

  • They don’t want to hurt your feelings.  And if you’ve shown yourself to be a girl who gets upset and dramatic when he tells you the truth, you’re essentially training him to say what you want to hear to keep the peace.  At best, it’s sugarcoating or avoiding a volatile subject.  At worst, it’s a straight up lie to avoid drama and waterworks. Weak?  Cowardly?  Sure, but men live in the mindset of wins and losses, victories and defeats.  What’s the upside to being honest if it simply leads to a more difficult life with no perceived upside?  Which brings me to the next point-
  • They don’t want the drama.  Like I was saying, if not telling the truth is harmless enough and being honest will just cause drama, heartache and grief for both parties, why would a man want to do it?  I’m not advocating the behavior and I hold honesty as a high virtue for myself, but part of looking at this requires us to be honest about human nature:  Humans (men and women) want to make life easier for ourselves, not harder.  And that’s not the case if there’s…
  • No perceived upside.  If you want the truth and honesty, find a way to reward that behavior, not punish it by putting him through hell.
  • They want to impress you and/or they don’t feel like “enough” without lying or putting up a front.  From one angle, you could almost look at this one as a compliment: the guy is trying to impress you because he doesn’t feel “good enough” to get you on his own.  It’s not a compliment though – it’s not only insecure behavior, but it also doesn’t allow for a real foundation to be built for a relationship.  For a guy to be honest with you, he has to be secure enough in himself to know that you’ll still want him if he’s “real” with you.
  • Easy there – let me put it to you like this.
  • First, this isn’t a male-female thing.  I’m talking about human nature – no one gender is more or less habitually a “liar”.
  • You know all sorts of women who lie to their female friends on occasion… you may or may not have done it yourself.
  • To call up one common scenario, think… of a time where a close female friend has noticeably put on weight.  She asks you in a heartbroken tone, “Do you think I look fat?”  No girl (except a complete “B”) is going to say, “Yes, you look enormous.”  The response she will most likely receive is, “No, you look great!” or something similarly placating.

Assuming you can relate to the above scenario, or have at least seen it play out in some way, shape or form, why do they do it?  Why do they tell that placating lie? If you ask someone, they’ll tell you it’s “to keep the peace” or “because they needed to hear it” or “because they couldn’t handle the truth” or “because the truth wouldn’t have helped her, it would only hurt her.

Most of us are also acquainted with people on the other end of the spectrum and are brutally honest all the time. Those kinds of people go beyond being brutally honest and are often brutal to be around.

Tactful, well delivered honesty is a tall order to expect from people.  Sad, but true – the best you can do is encourage tactful honesty from them.

When someone is honest with you, they are trying to do the right thing and respect you – the best response you can give them is to thank them for their honesty and let them know how it hit you without drama.  It takes emotional maturity and life experience to be able to show people that you can handle and appreciate honesty.

But when you do, people will be honest with you – this applies to both men and women.

Hope that’s helpful,

Eric Charles